It's Valentine's Day. A day that was fun to hate when I was younger, but as I get older, it just makes me sad. I was alone for the day. I had things to do- and felt loved by people. But- in the sense of Valentine's Day- I was alone.
It got me thinking.
For my whole life, I have blamed being single on the fact that I am fat. I have blamed not having dates on being fat. I have blamed always being the "best friend" on being fat.
And I whole-heartedly believe that my weight is a huge factor. Men are visual. And I am not visually appealing. I am not what most men want to look at. So, it doesn't matter what I'm like as a person- they can't even get past the outward appearance. I have tons of guy friends, and I know that they love me- but I think that they don't even put me in the "date" category because I'm fat.
There is a fear in my heart that I will lose weight- and still be single. And then I'll have to take the pain and time to figure out what there is about me that needs to changed at that point. My fear is that there is MORE that needs to be worked on. Not that I'm afraid to become a better person, but that there is going to be some huge flaw that is revealed if I lose weight.
I think it's because I have a friend who lost 80ish pounds- and then totally lost her mind. She started drinking and partying 4-5 nights a week and having sex with people with reckless abandon. I don't want to be her. I want my personality to be close to what it is now- but just coming from a thin body.
I guess that's a decision I have to make. I'm just afraid of blowing it.
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